Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory