[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Living the best life.. 😊
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.