@craiguito: My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn't realise he planned to be that person
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@AristotlesNZ: Me: My friend really likes you. Her: I'm a lesbian. Me: Ah ok... Her: ... Me: ... Her: ... Me: So... What part of Lesbia are you from?
@Mister_Veritas: ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on my lawn GUY: Huh? ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
@SortaBad: I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.