@craiguito: My ex used to say there was one person for everyone. I didn't realise he planned to be that person
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@iMikosnyc: This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death's door kinda voice. I'ma see if she'll record my voice mail message.
@sammyrhodes: Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
@Paul_Eaton1: Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
@nonosimprov: Culturally speaking... Having a McDonald's in a WalMart is like finding a cyst in a tumour.