My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church