“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
And bowling should be called pinball
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.