@fatherofcomedy: My ex was a true professional.she said "you are fired" when we broke up.
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@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
@CulturedRuffian: 'No you can't have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.' -Moms
@PiratedTweet: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@thatdutchperson: I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.