My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
6: are snakes just neck?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I have obtained a hat
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things