@CA_Country: My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you'll need a shovel and map to find him.
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@ems: I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them.
@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
@RocketRankoon: What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news? Bear 1: You're adopted Bear 2: The cancer is terminal Bear 3: This tweet ain't funny
@MacAnnabella: Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.