DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
You Might Also Like
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
what’s more important?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.