If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots