Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?