@Cpin42: My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
@KhrisWarhol: McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.