My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.