My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
do horses think humans are hats
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall