My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.