@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
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@runawaycupcake: Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: I set a new personal record last week Me: Me too Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.