ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
that lip filler tho
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*