@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
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@Love_bug1016: "Better safe than sorry," I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
@lacybronze1: I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
@InternetHippo: “What attracted you to our company?” Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.