@sirmunchie: My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn't just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
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@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name? Me: It’s Mike. CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name? Me: I don’t have one.
@50ShadesGran: Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
@brianbowman73: Her: My baby is 28 months old. Me: Oh really? I'm 74 inches tall. Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?