[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
me logging onto twitter
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.