There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Good morning y’all ☀️
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet