If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower