Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
You Might Also Like
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
He was looking for a job and then he found a job