My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
yeah no that’s fair
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence