@QwertyJones3: My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of "cumin".
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@paulablu22: Telling my daugthers date that "she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her." *Correct way to parent.
@jwoodham: If you like someone, pretend they're a charger and you're an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part