My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names