[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Welcome
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.