@SomthinBoutSara: My exes dying words were, "you're obviously in one of your moods"
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@Everette: iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they're basically the same
@birbigs: Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?
@sixfootcandy: [camping] Him: Did you eat the last s'more? Me: No. Him: You're lying. Me: How do you know? Him: Your pants are literally on fire.