My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits