ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)