@WilliamAder: My existential crisis began when I realized there is no "I" in "me."
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@HomeProbably: The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You're either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
@LeBearGirdle: *texting with girls* Her: I <3 you Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you're less than 3
@MourningGlory_: Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.
@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.