My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
R.I.P.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness