true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you