i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
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Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*me flirting
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.