@youngestneil: My extra sensitive toothpaste cries when I don't brush my teeth
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@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@aka_fatman: Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill - I will show you the Matrix.
@Chumpstring: [standoff] NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
@shariv67: No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.