[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i guess his teacher was really pissed
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.