@senderblock23: My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
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@Trudacious: You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you're paying attention to her.
@jergarl: The year is 2057: Friday the 13th part 573.... Jason finds a fabulous pair of shoes to match his outfit.
@Chumpstring: [robber pulls gun] ME: take my money but please don't hurt me i'm an only child MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he's lying he has a brother
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How many legs does the dog have? 4 y.o: Five Me: There’s something wrong with your counting. 4: There’s something wrong with the dog.