The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
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I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal