“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
pep talk
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now