@SilverKick: My eyes are brown with tiny flecks of narcissism.
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@Brampersandon_: GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle? BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I'm just a regular eagle actually
@SteveSuckington: I once walked in on my brother having sex with my girlfriend. Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash. #awkwardbreakup
@joe_binkley: Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.