To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*pronounces fake like saké*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.