My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
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*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
me when I see my crush
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.