@neerjagurnani: "My eyes are up here" ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told? Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
@SaltyCorpse: I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway... my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I'm having a seizure.
@comer310: Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs* Friend: Bad breakup? Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.