“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?