“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
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[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You’ll be OK
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
found my next D&D character name