@KPsych29: My eyes physically can't roll any higher up into my skull to show you how annoying you are.
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@raniao2011: When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like I love you for what you have inside. (Me to my fridge)
@JaneBadall: My son approaches even small chores with the enthusiasm of a POW forced to build a railway bridge over the river Kwai.
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones. Scarlett Johansson: That's very interesting.
@HonestToddler: Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL