Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.