My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
You Might Also Like
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it