My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.