My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again