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@meganamram: My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :(
@beefman138: Historian : Rome wasn't built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He's right, you know, it was built in Italy.
@Quartzjixler: I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
@5hael: I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
@Swishergirl24: The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Oh, you're an early riser?