My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you鈥檙e about to sneeze with sore abs
Oh yeah that鈥檚 it
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
you don鈥檛 scare me. you鈥檙e not a can of biscuits i鈥檓 about to open.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What鈥檚 Tinder?
Me: It鈥檚 a game site.
These work great until they don’t.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn鈥檛 finish your broccoli last night.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Every woman鈥檚 deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man鈥檚 deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
馃ぃ
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets