My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
it be like that
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife: