@meganamram: My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :(
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@juliussharpe: A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include "Swam in water" and "Ate".
@Jamie1947: Things I Suck At: 1. straws, ha ha jk lol 2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I'm really terrible at this 3. straws, haha same joke as before
@david8hughes: [speaking at funeral] Deceased's brother: there's no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now Me: what about 'anguish'?
@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store