My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Are these grass-fed oranges?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.