@meganamram: My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :(
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@JoParkerBear: Donald Trump is probably the closest we'll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
@PhuckinCody: [first date] HER: i'm really into astronomy ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don't say
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Afraid to fly? It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov't employees forced to work the holidays. Merry Xmas.
@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead? Guy: well usually to my wife Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant