My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Need WebMD
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Me taking notes in a meeting 馃槄
Sorry I didn鈥檛 get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it鈥檚 like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don鈥檛 mind if I do
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs馃檧
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No