My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.