My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
my first dose meeting my second
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!