My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
You Might Also Like
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
one last job
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.