My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
😂😂😂
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.