My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
choose your fighter
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
pelicons
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.