@sageboggs: My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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@Dave_in_SoPo: Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
@_green723: If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.
@TheRealNickKay: WIFE: I can't believe you ruined my birthday yesterday ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn't even know it was your birthday