@sageboggs: My family doesn't have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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@DumbAlias: Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep. Check on sleeping baby. Can't hear breathing...prod sleeping baby Repeat
@hippieswordfish: b-52's songs: -'love shack' -'hate shed' -'sad tent' -'happy igloo' -'frustrated RV' -'depression garage' -'melancholy lake house'
@VeganZebra: [Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head] Owl: No I got it *rotates* Owl: Wait where'd it- *rotates* Owl: Ok help
@kwirkyKerri: Most women have a love hate relationship with their scale, but I'm convinced mine goes out of her way to piss me off.
@dumbbeezie: "This is not working out." -My trainer, watching me work out
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