My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.