My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”