My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
But is it really??
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.